Be Still, My Heart
by NalSweetheart
Summary: 'And perhaps that is when she won his heart.' Ten moments in which Saito Hajime slowly falls in love with Yukimura Chizuru. Sequel is complete.


_**Hey everyone . I'm new to the Hakuouki fandom in fan fiction, but not new to the website. Just finished Hakuouki last week and I've cried a river once every character died, but I refuse to believe that Saito died, and decided to go historically correct with this fic, and make sure he is alive after the Aizu war. Hopefully, you'll enjoy and let me know what you think **_

_**So basically this is just going to be 10 moments where Saito slowly falls in love with Chizuru, but only one of them that was actually a scene from the anime. It is all in Saito's POV.**_

* * *

**Be Still, My Heart**

* * *

_**Simple**_

* * *

When he first meets her, he is surprised by her spirit, or lack thereof. The way she explained her situation to the unit commanders and Kondo-san the night Hijikata-san brought her after killing the rebel Rasetsu. She looked apprehensive and almost _desperate, _in a way, as though she was the most pitiful person in the land_._ Kondo-san let her stay at Shinsengumi, after hearing that she is Kodo-san's daughter, and Saito does not know whether to be annoyed or glad at the revealed fact. He had expected Kodo-san's children, should he have any, to be like their father; intelligent and dignified. But this girl, this _desperate _little girl is anything but. He decides to keep his distance from her, because _weakness _angered him, and Saito disliked losing his temper.

* * *

_**Common**_

* * *

All the other division leaders got along with this new girl perfectly, specifically Souji and Heisuke. She seemed to have charmed them with her sweet character and obedience. Saito cannot say he didn't understand why the others liked the young woman so much, but it did little to erase the vexation he felt towards her. Most of the men around her saw her as a bright light in their bland, dark lives where only death was the end result, but Saito begged to differ. Shinsengumi was filled with soldiers and men of brilliant personalities. They had a passion for their country, fierce loyalty to their commanders, dreams to become remembered as honourable samurai. Their identities were powerful beams of character that made Yukimura Chizuru look dull and grey amongst all their colourful auras. Shinsengumi members were opposite individuals of the greatest, most distinguished traits brought together by one fate; to die the death of righteous swordsmen. Saito could see their light in the way spoke, laughed, fought and mourned. He could see their light and it was most powerful and dominant. But Chizuru's was dim and...Tame. And that's when he realized what she was—domesticated. Tame and obedient and simply submissive. She differed from no other female he had ever met, and perhaps that is what frustrated him the most. The fact that a young ordinary woman, no matter how beautiful, managed to secure a place in the hearts of such radiant and colourful men. Should he have explained this matter to Kondo-san, he would have laughed and said that fate was a funny thing, and it was in the fate of Shinsengumi's men to meet somebody so _normal._

* * *

_**Care**_

* * *

In the first two weeks of her arrival, Chizuru had promptly avoided him, or at least did not speak to him directly while they were both around the others. Saito put it down to the fact that he hadn't made an effort to make her feel welcome, or speak any words of kindness. Either way, he did not mind. But it was during her third week of stay, when they nearly collided into each other while turning a corner, did Saito finally have enough of silence.

'I am so sorry, Saito-san,' she apologised, bowing deeply.

'Don't apologise,' he stated passively.

She looked up in confusion, her ever expressive eyes relaying her bemusement, and he wanted to tell her that wearing her heart on her sleeve could only hurt her in the end.

'Do not apologise for unnecessary things,' he said, making an effort to keep his voice calm and neutral.

He could see that she was going to go for another bow and apologise again for it, but then realizing her repetition, she simply smiled brightly and nodded. 'I will remember, Saito-san.' She replied.

Saito nodded and walked away, but she called after him, 'would you like me to bring you some tea? I am already making some for Okita-san and Heisuke-kun.'

He was taken aback by her offer, to say the least, and after a pause, for the sake of being nice building a connection, he nodded.

It was after then that she began to speak to him more often, and somehow she seemed not to feel intimidated by his demeanour and silent attitude. Or she chose to ignore it; Saito could not put his finger on the reason. She'd accompany him on his patrols and make conversation. He could see her mentally take notes on what seemed to attract his attention and ask him about them, like swords on display, and he immediately knew this was how she charmed the others.

She talked to them about their interests, established a base of familiarity, and gave them the attention that they wouldn't have gotten in a long time. In all honesty, no matter how cunning, Saito was impressed by her tactics to make new friends in Shinsengumi. He often saw her around the headquarters, making small talk with anybody she knew, offering to make them tea, saying things that made the men laugh.

But after a while, Saito realized she did not even notice that she did it. This occurred to him when he was in the courtyard observing some flowers that had grown in the flowerbeds. He noticed that she was not too far, watching him with curious eyes, head slightly cocked to side as if she was intrigued by him.

'I never knew you liked flowers, Saito-san,' she stated, her melodious voice swiftly reaching his ears. It reminded him of soft music, and Saito wondered when he stopped disliking the sound of it—her voice, that is.

'I do,' he replied calmly.

She approached him and looked at the same flowers, a smiling gracing her lips. It brightened her entire face, and her eyes shone with admiration. 'Kami-sama has made nature so beautiful,' she said peacefully.

When she looked up at him, he suddenly saw the glow, her light slightly brighter. In the painted picture in his mind, where Chizuru was simply a dull grey amongst the Shinsengumi's blinding colours, he found hers becoming slightly brighter, shining just a little more.

'Indeed.' Perhaps he was staring a little intently, because a blush covered her cheeks and she quickly turned back to admiring the flowers. 'This one is my favourite, how about yours, Saito-san?' she bent down and touched a petunia.

He had thought it was a tactic of hers to be curious in other people's hobbies and interests, but watching her now, he decided that it was Chizuru just being herself.

* * *

_**Thunderous**_

* * *

On some days when he was training, Chizuru would approach him Harada or Souji and ask him to teach her how to defend herself better. Her short sword was at her side, as though she knew he would agree, and because he knew he could not reject her plea, he did. Souji and Harada sat back and watched as viewers who enjoyed a good entertainment as Saito disarmed Chizuru again and again. It was quite amusing, really, the determination in her eyes and the passion in the way she said 'hai!" every time he offered a piece of advice. Not once did she lose confidence, trying again and again to attack him but to no avail.

Okita would shout out some words every now and then too, telling Saito to cut her some slack and allow her some achievement, but the Chizuru refused. 'If I win I want it to be of my merit,' she said firmly.

Truly, despite her obedience and respectful nature, Saito had to acknowledge her determination. But once he saw it falter in her eyes as he disarmed her for the seventeenth time, he frowned at her.

'You will never win a battle if you have no confidence and respect for yourself until the very end.' And then she perked up again and fought with more ferocity, earning a chuckle or two from Harada and Souji. 'She never gives up,' they commented.

An hour or two later, the sun was beginning to set, and Harada stated that it was his and Souji's turn to cook for dinner, and the two left, telling them to take a break.

Chizuru huffed and puffed as she rested, clutching her stomach from stitches. 'There is no way to win you, Saito-san,' she grinned at him good naturedly. 'That left hand of yours is certainly no joke.'

And perhaps that was when she won his heart, when she complimented not his technique, but his _left-handedness._ His own family had looked down upon his use of his left hand, everybody had ridiculed his style. It was only Shinsengumi who accepted him. But now, this young girl who he had once thought bland and simple, had touched him emotionally in the only way that perhaps anyone could.

His heart thundered against his ribcage, beating ridiculously fast. Resisting the urge to reach out and rub his chest to stop the pace, he said, 'that should be enough for today. Rest up until dinner time.'

She didn't object, merely grinned wider, and Saito nodded and turned away, walking away as fast as he could without looking as though he was trying to escape. Once he was in his own room, he could hear the beat of his heart slow down. Absentmindedly, he wondered if Chizuru impacted any of the other men like she had him.

* * *

_**Tea**_

* * *

When Saito left with Itou-san and Heisuke, he could not ignore the sadness in Chizuru's eyes. The short exchange they shared before he left could not sate his desire to tell her the truth. _Don't lose faith in me. I'll be back._

And he left. And he returned. And the smile of happiness on her face made his insides twist in ways he never knew. But when they all went back to follow the orders of Itou Kashitaro's assassination, the danger she was in was enough to make him realize his hidden feelings for this insolent daughter of Kodo-san.

Now, back in Kyoto, everything was almost back to normal, set aside the oncoming war everybody could sense. Regardless, Chizuru seemed to like the idea of not speaking about it. So one day, when she told him that O'Sen-chan, the young woman in town who looked like her, had invited her for tea, Saito attempted to sound calm. 'What of it?'

'I was wondering if you could accompany me since Hijikata-san said I could not leave without a guard.'

The idea of Chizuru without protection did not bode well with him, so he agreed.

'Thank you so much, Saito-san,' she beamed in glee.

The following day, when Saito saw her in female clothing, he had to remind himself that he had seen it before. She looked rather embarrassed herself, saying softly, 'it would not look good for O'Sen-chan to be seen with a male constantly. It would be better this way.'

Saito nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. 'Let us leave now before you are late,' he said merely.

Escorting her to where they would have tea, he waited patiently in the corner of the tearoom while the two female friends made conversation and laughed. He liked seeing her laugh, he decided. Because it brought out all her features and the crinkles around her mouth and eyes were unusually attractive.

A few hours afterwards, the two women stood up, and Chizuru bowed to thank her friend for the invitation. 'Hopefully we could do it again,' Saito heard her say. When the woman excused herself, Chizuru turned to him, and it made him feel an inner peace to see her happy. _She shouldn't always have to be surrounded by men. _

Out in the streets, as they made their way back to Shinsengumi headquarters, Saito realized something he had never done so before when he was out with Chizuru. People stared at her. Or more specifically, _men _stared at her. Sparing the woman beside him a glance, he was amazed again by her beauty. Even in male clothing, she had a breathtaking elegance about her, but now, in attire that was for her own gender, Saito felt an overwhelming feeling that he could only identify as jealousy.

'Yukimura,' he said lowly, and when she glanced up at him, he allowed himself to say what he wanted. 'Forgive me.'

Before she could question him, he took her hand in his, entwining their fingers tightly. She blushed immensely, her cheeks red as the sunset. 'Saito-san...' she trailed.

'It is only for now. To keep away unwanted attention.' He excused.

She may not have understood what he meant, but he was pleased that the men who now stared at her had the audacity to look away once they noticed their joined hands. Granted, he could have simply glared at any man and let them know she had a guard with her, but this was much more satisfying. A new way to _embrace his new feelings, _as Kondo-san would have put it. And the fact that she did not pull her hand away made his heart soar.

(In the deepest parts of his mind, he prayed that she returned his feelings.)

* * *

_**Passion**_

* * *

Nightmares were plaguing him these nights. Each day brought them closer to war, and each night the dreams would be more real, more vivid and clear. He was not frightened of death, but a part of him wished for his comrades not to die before him. Death would tear them all apart, he knew, but the final farewell was something they all wished not to do, and dread grew in his stomach at the thought of never seeing them again.

Tonight, he could not sleep after the nightmare, so he slipped out of his room and sat on the porch, looking up at the sky.

'It is a full moon tomorrow,' a voice said from behind him. He did not need to turn to know it was _her._

She came up and sat beside him casually. 'Could you not sleep, Saito-san?' She asked softly, as though not to awaken anybody else.

'It seems you could not either,' he observed, and she smiled at him.

'Anxiety,' she explained.

'What for?'

She looked up at the sky as well. 'Everything is changing. I'm afraid of change that would not allow me to see the people dear to me again.'

So she felt it as well. The unsettling fear of everybody dying. Sometimes, a soldier, even he, could conjure up fears out of paranoia, but if Chizuru was feeling it also, it could only mean that they were not simply scenarios that were made up by their deepest, darkest fears.

He did not know how to respond, so he stayed silent instead, and they sat there, on the porch, watching the stars.

'It is a full moon next week,' Chizuru stated, 'but is it not beautiful like this? It looks like a biscuit that has been nibbled on by a child,' she said.

Saito smiled regardless of himself, and let out a sound of disbelief. 'Your imagination is vast,' he complimented.

She turned to look at him quizzically, and seeing his smile, she reached out and touched the corner of his mouth. His heart began to beat faster.

_Be still my heart._

'You should smile more often,' she said, offering a smile of her own, 'it really suits you.'

Under the moonlight, her eyes shone a deep brown, and the lift of her lips made them look plump and soft. He grabbed her hand from his face lightly and without thinking (or maybe he was thinking and this was the best solution), Saito leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. He could feel her surprise, but nothing could prepare him for the moment she kissed him back.

It was hesitant, but she pressed her lips more firmly against his, her mouth slightly open. Tentatively, he kissed her harder, feeling the softness of her lips, and it made him ache in ways he couldn't remember aching. He released her hand and her arms came to lightly rest around his shoulders as his hands came up to cradle her face as he kissed her more deeply, and she allowed his tongue to enter mouth. He pulled her closer and the fact that she oh so willingly let him, let him know that all the yearning he felt for her was not one sided.

He let his mind wander, making him imagine how it would feel to have his hands touch her bare skins, skimming her body. The ache in him grew, and the fear of losing her, this _weak, desperate _and _tame _little girl, made him mourn for all the lost time between now and the moment they met.

They both pulled back after far too long, and she touched his hair, pushing it out of his eyes to stare at him completely. Did she see what he could feel? The love? The yearning? The way his heart _ached? _

_Be still, my heart._

If she did, she didn't say anything, and taking his hand into hers, went back to watching the sky, her cheeks flushed, and a smile so peaceful it erased all the deep worries.

* * *

_**Game**_

* * *

Weeks forward, Hijikata-san ordered them to begin wearing Western clothing, and although he disliked the attire, he could not deny that it was much lighter and easier to move in. Upon seeing the men in such garb, Chizuru had blushed immensely, but when he was alone with her, she told him she didn't like his new hair, which had completely gotten rid of his ponytail.

'Why not?' he inquired, curious at her distaste.

'Western men do not know a thing about hairstyle. Longer hair is much more suitable for a warrior.' She told him honestly.

It made him want to smile, but instead, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. 'I'll make sure to grow it out.'

It was a secret between them, this growing love, one that they brought no attention to in the presence of others, but at night, when he either visited her room or she visited his, they let their love show through tender embraces and light kisses. But not once had he touched her indecently.

'I respect you too much for that,' he had said, and she was most appreciative. But during some nights, when neither could sleep, they lay in the futon together. They had a game between each other. It was a game of questions where only the truth could be told. It was their favourite game, and their questions had no boundaries.

'Do you like Sanosuke-san or Okita-san better?' she asked, her voice playful.

'They are both my dear comrades. I cannot choose.' He replied. 'Do you regret staying at Shinsengumi rather than leave?' he asked in return.

'Stay,' she said firmly. 'I can't imagine being anywhere else.

The questions were endless, some serious, some silly, some unrelated to anything. But when she hesitated, he knew she was afraid of asking some.

'What did you think of me when you first saw me?' she questioned. He frowned.

'I thought you were insolent and you wallowed in self-pity. A little weak and obedient.' He told her honestly because this was a game of truth, and he did not want to lie to the woman he loved.

She let out a quiet laugh. 'And how about now?' She brushed his stray hair out of his face.

'My opinion has not changed much, if you must know,' he said slowly, 'but your positive qualities are most endearing.'

Pleased with the answer, she did not push it. It was true, his answer. He could not deny that she was still as weak, obedient and ridiculously innocent and normal, but he's looked at the side of wonder since he'd fallen for her, and when measuring her virtues with her vices, the latter disappeared completely.

'Would you choose me over your duty? Ever?' she asked hesitantly, and when he turned to face her, he propped himself up on his elbow to stare her in the face as they lay. Opening his mouth, he thought carefully before answering. 'My duty will always come first. But it does not mean I will care for you any less.'

She smiled softly. 'I knew you'd say that. I just wanted to make sure you won't lie.' She bent her head forward and kissed his jaw.

'Then,' she said quietly, 'if we survive this war,' (he knows she means if _he _survives the war), 'will you ever come back to me?'

Tracing her jaw line with his finger, he pressed a kiss to her lips. 'Always.'

Then, he summoned courage to ask her the question he knew he should hold back on. '_If _we survive the war, will you marry me?' his voice was barely a whisper, but she heard him nonetheless and her eyes watered with unshed tears.

'_When _you win the war, I'll marry you,' she corrected. His face held no emotion, forever in its passive calmness, but she heard what he was trying to relay to her without words.

* * *

_**Envy**_

* * *

Despite their nights of love and passion, during the day, Chizuru was ever distant, treating him as she would Heisuke or anyone else. Not that he minded, since he treated her with equal manners, but as the tension grew in the headquarters, so did everything else. Shinpachi and Harada had decided to leave, and nobody blamed them. With them gone and Okita sick with a disease, Shinsengumi's division leaders lessened.

It was not that, however, that made Saito tense. It was Chizuru's determination to stay with Shinsengumi, and more specifically, with Hijikata-san. Of course, Saito understood why, but it did not make his envy grow any less.

He had only ever felt respect for the vice-commander, but now that the woman he loved seemed so insistent to stay with him, it made him want to follow them both. Because despite everything they'd ever promised, he knew the war would be the end for them both, and although he would die as a warrior on the battlefield, he wanted her to be the last thing he saw before entering the fight.

* * *

_**Farewell.**_

* * *

As the months passed, only the news of failure and death reached their ears. Okita and Harada's death, Kondo-san's execution, had taken a toll on everyone. And here it was, in Aizu, with the last of Shinsengumi sitting together that Saito knew it was his last farewell.

He insisted on leading the unit in the Aizu battle, since Hijikata-san needed to heal and escape to Ezo. Sannan-san said he'd head to Sendai with Heisuke. Once everyone's place was decided on (it still pained him to know Chizuru would go with the Commander), Saito and Hijikata-san were finally left alone.

'Let me raise our flag during the Aizu battle,'

'Our banner?' both their gazes went to the flag that stood high and proud in the night.

'I want to raise the banner that gathers warrior spirits in the land that ingrains warrior spirit.' He admitted.

The commander looked proud. 'It's not for me to decide. It belongs to you too, for as long as you are part of Shinsengumi. Even if we're far apart, our spirits are united under our banner. Don't forget that.'

Saito nodded.

Hijikata-san narrowed his eyes. 'And don't be in a rush to die.'

He allowed a small smile to grace his lips. 'Thank you for your concern.'

Once he exited the tent, he noticed Chizuru standing near the entrance, sorrow in her ever expressive eyes.

'Thank you for everything you have done, Saito-san,' she bowed to him, and he wanted to tell her to stand straight with pride.

'Take care of Hijikata-san,' is what he actually says, and the tears are falling down her face uncontrollably. She knows this is the end too.

'He'll be fine. After all, he wouldn't die even if you kill him,' she stands straight then, looking him straight in the eye.

'That's why,' her voice is strained, and he knows his calm demeanour will break soon as well, 'you don't die either.' She said.

He offers her one last smile, because he doesn't want her to see that he wanted her to stay. 'Of course not. I swear on the Shinsengumi name I won't die.' His heart is beating fast again, because he can see the despair in her eyes.

_Be still, my heart._

They both hesitate; he doesn't want to leave yet.

_Don't forget me, _he thinks, but she knows what he's thinking somehow, maybe because so little words have been exchanged compared to what their gazes do.

_I'm waiting for you._

Does this foolish girl not know?

_Don't wait for me. Because even if I don't die on the battlefield, I'll die elsewhere, and you'll be with the Commander._

He finally turns his back to leave and suddenly, his fears of dying without his friends and comrades have all vanished. Because they have all died without him, and the only fear he has left is that he would not see her again. But everyone must face their fears.

So Saito Hajime walked on without a single glance back.

_Be still, my heart._

* * *

_**Separate**_

* * *

_Where are y__ou?_

I'm here. Right here. Have you died?

_No, the battle is lost, but I'm alive._

I'm waiting for you.

_Don't wait for me._

You promised.

_I lied._

Saito-san doesn't lie.

_Take care, my love._

Don't say good bye.

_I kept my promise, I'm alive. Now you keep yours and stay alive as well._

Come find me and maybe then.

_You've changed in my mind._

How so?

_In my painted picture of everybody's aura, yours shines the brightest. The light is blinding._

It'll shine brighter with you next to me.

_I've grown out my hair for you_

I'm glad.

_I love you._

Don't say that.

_Tell me. So I can live in peace._

I can't. Come find me first.

_Say it._

...I love you.

_I love you more._

Come now.

_Farewell, my love._

* * *

_**So that's my part for this fandom, even though I'm a little sad. But at least Saito's alive right? Was he a little OOC here? How so? **_

_**Personally, I really liked the way I planned this out, but if a few people say they'd love an extra chapter where they reunite, I'll be more than happy to right it Hope u enjoyed it and do tell me what you think!**_

_**NalSweetheart**_


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